15 years

So 15 years ago today my daughter JulieAnn died. I was 35 weeks pregnant and the cord developed a knot and all my hopes and dreams died. I can remember every second of the next two days, 15 years ago. I can't remember much of last week but every emotion I lived through 15 years ago is burned into my heart.

After all these years I still miss her. I look at Marion and think how much she'd like an older sister and I miss Julie. But if Julie had lived there would be no Marion and a life without Marion is not one I can even comprehend.

When do you get over losing a child? Should I be "over it" after God blesses me with two amazing, beautiful, incredible children 2 years later? Or when I realize how they wouldn't exist if she did? Or when Mitch says to me "I'm the luckiest boy in the world to have you for a mom"? Does it make me less grateful for what I have that I miss what I don't?

I can easily picture my life as it is, with Julie added in. What I can't see is a life with Julie in it, but without the other three. So I guess God does know what He's doing. I just wish He'd share the plan.