Blog "de-lurker" day

I have pretty much stopped blogging here. I changed email accounts and can't change the blogger sign-in, so I just quit messing with it. I do however READ a lot of blogs and today is de-lurker day so I thought I'd put up a post to say "hi" to everyone that checks in here after I comment on their blog.

Hi everyone!

School's OUT for the summer

Not again

Depression – it’s back

I can feel it sapping all the strength out of my body

I hurt everywhere

I want to go outside and play in the dirt

I want to call up Tonya or Barb or Loretta or any friend and go hang out

I want to get some dinner

I will do none of these because I’ll have to get up off the couch

I’m so tired of bring depressed

I don’t take the medication because it’s too much hassle for too little chance of it working

I feel like a looser because I don’t take it

I feel like a failure because I know I need it

Why can’t I just be me again?

Why is everything so hard?

I spend money I don’t have so I can feel excited for just a moment about a plan

I have no plans for the future

No hopes

No dreams

No goals

No energy to make any

How am I ever going to break out of the debit I cause my family?

The financial debt

The emotional debt

The spiritual debt

I want to be with them but they don’t want to be with me

I’m no fun anymore

I’m not even willing to try to be

I’m so incredibly blessed so why don’t I act it?

I hate being me

I hate that I can’t be me anymore

I don’t remember how

Life altering decissions

Today at church Bro. Anthony was talking about finding God's will in our lives. He was explaining how our decisions and our environment help determine God's will in our life. God puts us in the time and place to prepare us for His plan. Understanding how everything works together is why I try to think every decision for my family through and consider any how any decision I make for my kids is really the best possible decision for them. So, I've been thinking and praying and asking everyone I can think of to pray that I make the right decision for schooling for all three of my kids.

I've been thinking all year that something was not right with the twins current school situation. I can't put my finger on just what the problem is. I know it starts with the fact the the school's nickname is the Stevenson Saints and the mascot is a devil.

Maybe it's that I just remember how awful middle school (Jr. High) was for me. I H.A.T.E.D. Jr. High. I had awesome teachers that I still love but I hated being there. I wanted to be where my friends were (at ACA). I had 3 friends in Jr. High and I married one of them! I know my parents made the best decision for me. Even though I was miserable at the time.

That is why considering homeschooling for the twins is so hard. I want to homeschool. I always have. The plan was for me to homeschool from the start. It just never seemed to me that that was the best thing for them.

By the end of each school year I already know which teacher they would be with the following year. I make a point of researching the best situation for each kid for the next year and this year; I can't seem to find a best situation for the twins. So I am again looking into and praying that I will do what's best for them.

Mitchell is a people person. He is a total combination of the other two. He is very smart and very emotional. He needs to be around people to function. This makes deciding what's best for next year easier. He needs to go to school. As long as he continues to get great teachers at Schweitzer, he will go there. The principal is a good friend of a friend so there is easy and open communication if there is ever a problem.

Marion is an average student with the potential to be better than she's willing to work for. She enjoys learning but is very emotional and the minute something happens to make her unhappy or mad she looses all focus and without someone to help her learn how to deal with that she will never succeed at school. The fact that her twin brother seems smarter than her makes trying not always worth it.

Matt finds school to be a breeze. He's very good at math and absorbs enough information in the other subjects that he can feed it back to the teacher when required. He is getting bored with the whole process of school. He finds the other students in his classes immature. He thinks everyone should just be at school to learn, no playing around allowed. He is on the older edge of the kids in his class because he has a late birthday.

They have asked all year if I would homeschool them next year.

Around a month ago I asked Donnie to start praying about it. I would let him know my thoughts if he wanted to know but I wanted him to just start thinking about it and praying. This weekend he said that he was leaning towards homeschooling for next year. We are going to continue praying and deciding on a regular basis so that if any of us want to change the plan
there will be the option. So anyone with a clue how to go about homeschooling starting in 7th grade please clue me in!

15 years

So 15 years ago today my daughter JulieAnn died. I was 35 weeks pregnant and the cord developed a knot and all my hopes and dreams died. I can remember every second of the next two days, 15 years ago. I can't remember much of last week but every emotion I lived through 15 years ago is burned into my heart.

After all these years I still miss her. I look at Marion and think how much she'd like an older sister and I miss Julie. But if Julie had lived there would be no Marion and a life without Marion is not one I can even comprehend.

When do you get over losing a child? Should I be "over it" after God blesses me with two amazing, beautiful, incredible children 2 years later? Or when I realize how they wouldn't exist if she did? Or when Mitch says to me "I'm the luckiest boy in the world to have you for a mom"? Does it make me less grateful for what I have that I miss what I don't?

I can easily picture my life as it is, with Julie added in. What I can't see is a life with Julie in it, but without the other three. So I guess God does know what He's doing. I just wish He'd share the plan.

Job

Well. I recently got a job. Not a Real Job, but a job. I haven't had a job since 2000. I worked for H&R Block last year but I knew going in it was only for 3 months, which means it wasn't like a real job. It could have been but I didn't want to continue with it. I was paid to run a Brownie Outreach Troop last year as well, but 3 hours a week isn't even a job. This new job has the potential to be something I'm good at and I really like the people I work with. I'm cleaning houses. Which is actually kind of funny considering I don't clean my own! I'm working for a friend that has been doing this for a long time. She's VERY good at it and expects us to be too. That's good, it makes me strive to be better and faster. I'm very obsessive about things so I know I am good at doing the job, the challenge will be to get to where I can do it fast and still as good. I got my first paycheck, it was a wonderful feeling to give it to Donnie and know for a change I was contributing to our checking account instead of always emptying it:)! But now I'm off to continue the drain, cause if you not working you might as well be shopping!

Hobbies

I was asked today what my hobbies were. That is not supposed to be a hard question. I couldn't think of how to answer it. A hobby is an activity or interest pursued for pleasure or relaxation and not as a main occupation. Well I don't have a main occupation so everything I do is for pleasure or relaxation!

There are things I have to do:
raise the children,
love my husband,
try to keep the mess in the house from taking over,
do wash.

Even these things bring me pleasure.

The wash and housework give me a feeling of great accomplishment (I don't do them often so it's a big deal when they get done!). Loving my husband is easy and relaxing. My new pastor, Anthony, said last night he understood why Donnie picked me but couldn't quite figure out why I chose him. I always said it was because he made me laugh and understood my sense of humor. But really, read this and you'll understand. He has always made it impossible for me not to love him. Raising the children is a bit more demanding, but only because I don't want to screw it up. However they are really for entertainment purposes. I have no idea what I would do for fun if they weren't part of my life. They are three of the funniest people I know. Making them laugh is definitely what I call a hobby.

There are things I do every day: Blog, watch TV, read, eat
I enjoy each of these almost to extremes.
I spend hours on Blogs. These people that don't know me are important to me.

I love to watch Grey's Anatomy, Heroes, Boston Legal, House, Studio 60, anything on the History or Discovery Channel, Alton Brown, Ellen, Rachael Ray, CSI. I DVR all of these so I can watch them over and over. About the only thing I don't like to watch is cartoons, soap operas, and sports (I do like to watch football and I will watch other sports to hang out with Donnie).

I will read just about anything. I enjoy romance novels with strong funny women. I also like Harry Potter and the Pendragon series.
My love of reading led to my blog addiction. I was out of books one day and kept pushing the "next blog" button at the top of the blogger blog page and found several blogs I read every day.

I love to eat. I like food. I eat way too much! Sugar is my biggest weakness, this time of year it's these. Other times are other obsessions. Coldstone is a year long obsession.

Then there are things I love to do just for fun:
Hang out with my family and friends.

Things I do for me:
Quilting, gardening, crafting
I'm really more into looking at the colors and enjoying the beauty and creativity.
I don't "do" as much of these as I'd like but I do just like to look at them too.

So what are my hobbies? Life. I just enjoy life and all the parts to it.

Who am I?

Hi my name is Kim and I lurk on blogs. It feels like this is a start of a 12 step program. Where you first have to admit you have a problem. I LOVE to read blogs. I read several every day, updating several times a day in order to see if any one updates. I also follow links and blog rolls to see if there are any other places I'd like to lurk:). I found one this morning that explains why I don't comment and have (up to now) not started my own blog.

I know these people I read about - better than I know some of my real life friends. I lurk In Real Life too, but since I can't hear what they don't say out loud I don't know how they feel or think about many things. Apparently some of them don't know me very well either. I've recently been told several times that I'm "hard to get to know" - by someone that has known me for over 20 years. My husband agrees. He said that I only let certain people know me. I have friends that know my life history but not much about my life. So I'm going to use this site to see if I can figure out why I don't let even people I know very close. I like me, for the most part, so my goal is to find out why I don't share that with others.